The Bell Chime by Mona Kabbani

Author:Mona Kabbani [Kabbani, Mona]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2020-09-01T16:00:00+00:00

II

The subway train rattles. She’s on the 4 heading uptown. Farther away from Manhattan, but she has to remind herself she’s still close enough. Her chest jiggles when the train lurches to a start and stop. Supple, tender flesh galvanized by the train’s movements. That’s not how she likes to think of it, but she knows it’s what’s running through others’ minds. She can feel eyes at the end of the train car staring her down. Three or four pairs of them, all thirsty. She doesn’t want to look. No, she thinks she’ll just stare at the dead skin she picks from the edges of her nails. If she looks, they might want to talk to her. And if they try to talk to her, she might not be able to bring her heart rate back down. She doesn’t care if they watch her like some kind of zoo animal. She doesn’t mind being ogled—it happens enough for her to desensitize from it. But of all things, she doesn’t want to speak.

She presses her purse into the tops of her thighs. Not as comforting as it used to be, since it’s filled with paper and pens now, but the habit has stuck with her nonetheless. She’d like to take out her book to get some work done but moving from this taut position feels like a bad idea. Like something might slip and then all eyes in the train car would be on her. She thinks she’d die of embarrassment.

So she doesn’t move for the rest of the train ride home. She remains still, hoping that maybe if she keeps her muscles strung so tight, no one will notice the broken girl taking up space on the train seat.

And they don’t. What they see is entirely different.

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